A reader writes:
I’ve a powerful working relationship with my boss, the proprietor of the corporate I work at. We clicked immediately in my preliminary interview, get alongside properly, and he’s persistently impressed by my work. Most significantly, I feel he values me as a result of I’m not afraid of inauspicious conversations, and I’m the one individual in firm management prepared to inform him after I disagree with him or after I suppose he’s making a mistake.
As one of many few ladies in management in a really male-dominated trade, I’m used to weirdness in my relationships with male bosses. Sometimes, they’ll take credit score for my work, or publicly deal with me like a secretary or assistant whereas privately counting on me to do the vast majority of their function. My present boss has by no means accomplished something like this, though he typically seeks my recommendation. It’s most likely one of many more healthy and extra useful working relationships I’ve ever had with a supervisor.
However I do have one odd downside. Typically I’ll provoke a dialog with my boss that’s troublesome or fraught — stuff like one of many different senior managers interfering in a mission and refusing to let go, or explaining that my boss decided that has negatively impacted the corporate and desires a distinct decision. These conversations often go properly, though he’s all the time saddened to listen to he’s accomplished one thing that folks discovered irritating or hurtful, and he undoubtedly doesn’t take pleasure in giving his senior management damaging suggestions. And if any of those conditions have an effect on me, it impacts him much more due to how a lot he values me. I’m good at preserving these conversations productive {and professional}, however on the finish of actually troublesome ones he has a behavior of telling me he loves me as a part of saying goodbye (all of us work remotely, and these conferences are digital).
I’m not somebody who makes use of the “L-Phrase” liberally! I say it to my shut members of the family and two or three shut pals. I don’t suppose my boss is interested in me or means it in even a barely romantic manner when he tells me he loves me. As an alternative, I feel he feels emotionally weak: I get the sense I could be the one individual in his complete profession who’s been comfy giving him direct and constructive crucial suggestions, and he’s looking for validation that our relationship remains to be robust regardless of the troublesome dialog. As such, if I had been to say “That’s bizarre” or “Please cease telling me you’re keen on me” within the second, I’m involved it might negatively influence our relationship and trigger him to really feel much more weak and unhappy. But when I carry it up out of the blue, it appears like making a weirdly huge deal out of one thing that might conceivably be a slip of the tongue (three or 4 occasions now).
Ought to I simply let this bizarre quirk go? What do I say in return? He’s by no means pressed the difficulty. Thus far he’s all the time stated one thing like “Have an excellent afternoon! Love you!” and I’ve simply ignored the second half and gone with a cheerful however awkward-feeling “You too!”
It’s undoubtedly unusual, proper?
– I don’t love you
Sure, it’s unusual! (Though not extraordinary.)
Some persons are extra free with the L-word, even in a enterprise context. It seems like he trusts you to take it within the spirit he intends it in — not as “I such as you romantically” or “at second I’ll make a cross at you” or “you might be dearer to me than my spouse” however as “you might be crucial to me professionally and as a fellow human and I respect and worth you.”
But it surely’s uncommon for a piece context … and ideally he would have seen your discomfort the primary time and never repeated it.
As for what to do: In the event you’re not terribly bothered by it, it’s advantageous to simply let it go. You may convert it in your head to “I respect and worth you” and shrug it off as a bizarre, even amusing quirk from somebody you might have a powerful relationship with.
But when it does trouble you, it’s okay to say one thing! I hear you on not desirous to make him really feel dangerous, however the subsequent time he says it, you might take that as a gap to say, “I do know you imply that in a very skilled sense, however I don’t toss that phrase round a lot and it makes me really feel a bit of awkward. Perhaps simply say you respect me!” That manner you’re not calling him bizarre or saying he’s out of line or that he can by no means categorical that he values you, however you’re conveying, “Right here’s the place my boundaries are and right here’s what would make me comfy.”
