There are numerous milestones that mark growing older for ladies: sizzling flashes, extra chin hairs, taking every week to get better from one glass of wine. Most girls additionally discover their physician assigning a chore record of recent exams and appointments every year as soon as they hit 40.
At all times an overachiever, I truly had my first mammogram and colonoscopy earlier than 40 resulting from household historical past and a few mildly regarding take a look at outcomes that despatched me right into a Google doom spiral for days. Whereas every little thing was fortunately tremendous, I’ve discovered many mates usually attain out to ask me for the deets, particularly about that colonoscopy. Whereas I’m greater than keen to share the shitty specifics, I additionally inform them it wasn’t that dangerous. And as a mother to 4 younger youngsters, it was actually… form of a break.
My very own mother put it greatest: “The prep sucks, however the precise process? It’s the perfect nap you’ve ever had.”
In order that “prep?” It does suck. There’s no method round that. The purpose is to filter out your colon to allow them to examine for any points, however the course of is a bit messy. For a few days earlier than the precise preparation interval, I used to be advised to eat a low-fiber weight-reduction plan and keep away from meals with crimson dyes that will present up as “blood” throughout the take a look at. Then, the day earlier than, I needed to swig chalky laxatives for 12 hours straight. I’d be mendacity if I stated I wasn’t anxious about this.
Formally known as polyethylene glycol, this repulsive drink goes by the model identify GoLYTELY, pronounced “go calmly.” A merciless joke, since going calmly is totally not what occurs while you drink it. I image some pharmaceutical bros having chortle as they named this med. “Don’t fear, you’ll stay,” my aunt advised me, which actually put issues in perspective: It was her early-30s colon most cancers analysis that meant I needed to get screened early. I’m ceaselessly grateful that she lived, and whereas I’ve that terrible mother behavior of neglecting my very own medical appointments, her most cancers expertise made me very conscious that that is one take a look at I can not postpone.
Whereas colonoscopy prep is totally not enjoyable, she was proper. I lived. However wow, I used to be busy for 12 hours.
I started ingesting the drugs whereas curled up in my mattress with Netflix on my laptop computer. The nitty gritty? Sure, you’ll poop usually — generally each jiffy — for hours. You may’t eat, so that you’re additionally hungry and bitchy. I might suggest planning this prep for a time when you’ve gotten different childcare or a accomplice at residence to assist if in any respect doable. Whereas all of our youngsters have seen us within the toilet, you’re actually gonna need some privateness this time. The medication is highly effective, and works rapidly. Everybody who inquires in regards to the process asks me this: Will I poop my pants?
I didn’t, however I didn’t stray greater than 30 toes from the lavatory for all the time. I felt type of like I had a foul case of norovirus or ate some fuel station sushi, however I nonetheless was in a position to binge a complete season of The Crown, chat with my youngsters, and sleep fairly soundly.
As for the process itself? Whereas I didn’t have the heart to do something humorous like some steered (comparable to bizarre non permanent tattoos on my butt; my mates are very odd), it was solely painless and even restful, identical to my mother stated. The workforce of docs and nurses defined every little thing totally, advised me there would at all times be at the very least two individuals with me whereas I used to be asleep, after which had me rely again from ten because the anesthesia took over. Once I awoke from a deep and dreamless sleep an hour later, I felt extra well-rested than I had in months. It’s a tragic testomony to American motherhood {that a} process involving a rectal digicam feels enjoyable, however it’s the reality. We regularly don’t carve out time for relaxation and self-care except we’re pressured to.
I used to be additionally ravenous. The physician steered breaking my quick with some light meals since my physique had simply been via rather a lot. I ought to have listened, however I selected to not heed that recommendation and ordered Indian as an alternative. That call could have been worse than the GoLytely, of us.
Meg St-Esprit, M. Ed., is a journalist and essayist based mostly in Pittsburgh, PA. She’s a mother to 4 youngsters through adoption in addition to a twin mother. She loves to put in writing about parenting, schooling, traits, and the final hilarity of elevating little individuals.
