Welcome to Ask A MWLTF (Sure, that’s Mom Who Likes to F*ck.), a month-to-month nameless recommendation column from Scary Mommy. Right here we’ll dissect all of your burning questions on motherhood, intercourse, romance, intimacy, and friendship with the assistance of our columnist, Penelope, a author and psychological well being practitioner in coaching. She’ll dish out her most sound recommendation for folks on the fragile dance of elevating children with out sacrificing different vital relationships. E-mail her at askpenelope@scarymommy.com.
Expensive Penelope,
I’ll be the primary to confess that I’m no Martha Stewart in the case of house responsibilities. I’m proud to say that I don’t take pleasure within the spotlessness of my kitchen or the gleam on my flooring. To make sure, I’m a mom of three and I dwell in a home so I definitely do my justifiable share of home labor, however I do precisely the quantity I can do with out feeling resentful. Typically this implies there may be mess. If my husband and youngsters don’t prefer it, then they’re free so as to add extra elbow grease to the equation. I’ve defined this philosophy to them and basically, it’s served us nicely.
Lately, nonetheless, my husband made a remark that gave me pause. His brother and sister-in-law lately moved to city and invited us over a number of instances to socialize. They’ve one baby, a nanny, and a maid. Evidently, their house is spotless. Their pantry appears extra like a particular assortment at a museum of effective arts than a spot to maintain cereal and crackers. You could possibly scour the home with out discovering a single stuffed animal discarded on the ground, a lot much less a hunk of desiccated Play-Doh. At considered one of their events, I heard my sister-in-law say to a good friend who had complimented the state of her dwelling and requested how she did it, “You simply must set excessive requirements. Mess could be very triggering for me.” I tucked what she’d stated away as a chunk of post-party gossip to share with my husband after we received dwelling. To my shock, he grew pensive. He stated with a slight, teasing smirk, that truly he didn’t discover what she’d stated ridiculous in any respect, that quite the opposite he thought it was “form of charming and really female.”
Female? Was he severe?
I laughed it off, however the reality is it irked me. Does the person I’ve chosen to spend my life with actually equate housekeeping with female intercourse enchantment? In 2023? I clearly know that’s absurd. I additionally know that if there wasn’t some small a part of me that worries he’s proper, it wouldn’t have gotten to me as a lot because it did. I’m 38 years previous and have by no means seen my semi-slovenly, free-spirited strategy to housekeeping as unsexy. However now I preserve questioning if I am incorrect. Would turning into much less of a slob make my marriage and my intercourse life higher? Or ought to I inform my husband the place he can stuff his concepts on female allure?
Signed,
A Messy MWLF
Expensive Messy,
As a fellow MWLF who additionally has to clear away the muddle earlier than I take nudes to ship to my lover, I’ve additionally puzzled every so often if there’s something “mannish,” or no less than, unsexy, about my untidy presentation and lifelong loathing of house responsibilities. I’ll always remember, for instance, the time I used to be finding out overseas throughout my junior 12 months of faculty and developed an obsessive crush on a strapping German who lived within the dorm the place I used to be staying. After months of pining and a bottle or two of vino, I lastly lured him to my mattress one Saturday night, and will hardly include my flushed enthusiasm when unexpectedly he stopped kissing me, regarded round, and stated — in English to ensure I understood him — “you really want to wash your room.”
I used to be mortified, however later my mortification soured into resentment. What number of slobbish dudes’ dorm rooms had I gotten bare in with no thought. It didn’t appear honest {that a} dude who by no means made his mattress and picked up empty beer bottles on the windowsill was only a dude, whereas I, as a lady, was held to some increased normal. This obscure feeling of disgrace and inadequacy adopted me into my marriage and past, till a number of years in the past when someplace across the age of 40 I skilled the change. I’m not speaking about menopause. I’m speaking concerning the parallel course of that happens for a lot of ladies across the similar age the place they discover themselves recent out of f*cks to provide on dwelling as much as different individuals’s requirements.
That stated, on the similar time this transformation occurred, one other unusual factor occurred. I spotted for the primary time in my life that beneath sure circumstances and in the appropriate state of mind, I loved straightening up, or, as I got here to think about it, doting on a selected room in my dwelling. Opening my closet and discovering the garments neatly held on hangers, the ground away from random flips flops and yoga blocks I by no means used made me really feel higher about getting dressed within the morning, which made me really feel just like the form of lady who likes to dress within the morning. I’m undecided that I am that form of lady, however it was enjoyable to really feel like I might be, or may no less than play at it. I ponder if it was this type of freshness or playfulness that your husband was alluding to when he talked about the female allure of an orderly dwelling. Issues which might be new or totally different usually really feel charming, or no less than thrilling. However there are many methods to reintroduce that newness into a wedding with out the gendered double-standards.
In different phrases, the query isn’t a lot whether or not or not altering your housekeeping habits would flip him on, but when it will make you really feel new and extra in contact with some but unexplored a part of your self. Creating a house or a room or perhaps a nook that feels prefer it was made explicitly in your aesthetic enjoyment could be an act of sensuality and self-love. In case your husband thinks of that as a strictly female trait, that’s an actual disgrace. Perhaps the following time he broaches the subject, you could possibly inform him that you just discover housekeeping as scorching as the following individual. Then ask him the place he desires to start out.
