A reader writes:
I’ve a pal, Jane, who I was near, however previously few years she’s been very cold and warm, going via durations of being virtually clingy after which turning on a dime to turn into unresponsive and even type of irritated that I’m speaking to her. This has been emotionally tough and I’ve determined I have to dial again the friendship.
I’ve additionally been attempting to get out of a job that’s turn into untenable, however the job hunt has been tough as a result of my business is small and aggressive. One other pal, Carol, works in the identical business and has been extremely passionate about getting me a job at her firm, the place I’d actually like to work. I’ve an software in with them now that she helped me so much with, and I do know she’s talked about me to the hiring supervisor as effectively. I’m immensely grateful to her for this and positively owe her one whether or not it really works out or not.
Right here’s the rub: Carol and Jane are BFFs. (Like, Carol was maid of honor at Jane’s marriage ceremony.) And whereas I’m hoping to transition quietly to a extra distant friendship with Jane, she (for comprehensible causes that aren’t mine to share) could be very delicate to perceived rejection or folks being mad at her, so there’s a strong probability that she is going to discover I’m not as engaged. She might confront me or she may silently be damage, however both method I’m certain Carol will hear about it, and who is aware of what that can do to her opinion of me.
I do know I’m borrowing bother a bit of, however what do I do if my relationship with Jane blows up in the midst of a hiring course of the place I’ve been relying closely on Jane’s finest pal’s goodwill? At this level issues are principally within the hiring supervisor’s palms and I don’t technically want extra assist from Carol, however what if the supervisor comes again to ask her extra questions on me after her authentic suggestion and she or he now hates me? Or what if she’s not snug working with me? Is there something I ought to say to Carol in regards to the Jane state of affairs beforehand? Ought to I pull out of the applying course of if issues go south with Jane and Carol appears upset? Or ought to I simply deal with these two issues like they’re unrelated and let no matter occurs, occur?
I do suppose you’re borrowing bother. You’re not plotting a confrontation with Jane the place you record off all her faults, inform her she’s a horrible particular person, after which kick her within the shins. You’re simply … much less engaged with the friendship.
If Jane tells Carol that you just’ve been extra distant, that’s not the kind of factor that’s more likely to make it into Carol’s feedback to the hiring supervisor. (And if it did, the hiring supervisor could be confused by why.)
In case your concern is that Jane will confront you about it and also you’ll be pressured to have a full reckoning of your issues with the friendship, which might result in a blow-up that Carol holds in opposition to you or simply needs nothing to do with … then yeah, ideally you’d keep away from that dialog when you’re nonetheless within the hiring course of for the opposite job. And actually, is that dialog even crucial? Possibly it’s, however perhaps it’s also possible to simply do the “I’ve been actually busy” sluggish fade. (I do suppose that when you and Jane have been very shut as soon as, you’d owe her extra of a dialog, until you’ve already tried elevating the problems to no avail, however you additionally don’t have to have that dialog RIGHT NOW. You may wait till issues aren’t as entangled, and it’s cheap to need a long way when you’re deciding precisely the way you’re going to deal with it.)
After all, when you get the job, you’re going to be extra entangled with Carol, not much less. And if issues go south with Jane, Carol might really feel she’s in the midst of drama between her finest pal and a coworker. In that case, the perfect factor to do could be to only be a heat, nice, {and professional} colleague. Except Carol is problematic herself (which on this case might imply some mixture of petty, gossipy, vengeful, and unprofessional) she’s unlikely to insist on bringing another person’s work drama into your workplace if you display that there’s no want for it.
